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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]