“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
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