My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
You Might Also Like
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.