Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I know karate and tons of other words.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.