I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs