If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.