The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Hello Twits.