My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
everyone has that one prude friend
The government even made aliens boring
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.