*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
HELP 😭
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose