Just me and my debit card against the world
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I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive