*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*