[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”