How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I saw nothing
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
This classic never gets old . . .
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
so much to do
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”