[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.