I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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Expectations vs. Reality
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.