I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Mad Max Arctic Road
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Only short people can save us
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb