When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
your honor my client chooses dare
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.