The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Why am I like this?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative