Wasps: bees, but not helping
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Sorry not sorry.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I hope they boil the right one.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.