I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
this is 10/10 content no notes
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*