If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
You Might Also Like
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My dog learned how to text