All excellent questions
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
What
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Autocarrot sucks!
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.