If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.