I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”