Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
You Might Also Like
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Can’t, holding a grudge
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir