New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then