I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.