Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me, flirting😏
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Your proctologist called. He found your head.