“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
i like to flex on them by shrugging