It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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I love it all
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
#titanic
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
No Google it does not
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
🤭😂
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”