Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.