Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits