40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The fall of Netflix
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.