McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
LA today:
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.