Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Barbie gone wild
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
how long have you had this for?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck