All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Every house has this drawer
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”