Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Seek kebab; not attention
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward