[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I forgot how to panic. Help
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad