Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.