Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“What?”
– Jude
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this