Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”