It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!