guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas