Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
You Might Also Like
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.