we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
This is hilarious….
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
<- sleeps well with others
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me