we’re dead?
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Good point.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.