named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me