ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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Is fructose made with real fruct?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
There’s always that one guy
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”