the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35