A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs